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This isn't mine. COPY PASTE ;)


Ryan's POV

I am sitting on the cold tiled bathroom, the smell of the vodka still faint. Scratch that, I smell like a walking bottle of vodka. But could you blame me after all the shit that happened. I looked at myself in the mirror, reminiscing each how cuts and bruises came to life. How I didn’t care about the blood that was coming out from me. The ones my lover did. Oh, he did love me. It just got complicated.

I still remember him coming up to me in the Coffee shop across the street and asking if he could sit with me and just talk. We had so much in common; it was like talking to my reflection. The smiles he gave me still reflect in my eyes. He’d sneak in my house because my dad hates company. He would sing me to sleep, his melodious voice still ringing in my ears. He would stay with me until the sun comes up and would give me a kiss for a good day. That’s the boy I loved, he would always ask me what would be my answer if he proposed to me and I would say yes, no doubt about it. He would hug me; make me feel loved and protected whenever my father has his drunken rage. I would cry in his shoulder and thank him for being there for me. He was the boy that I loved more than myself.

Then one night, he came to my room at midnight, the smell of alcohol in his breath as he kissed me. But it wasn’t his kiss, it was rough and demanding and it wasn’t him. He knows me well; he knows what I’ve been through and considers me fragile. But this night it was different. When I tried to push him away, he just came closer. And that’s the time I became more distant to the world. Just the thought of the person that I loved so much hurting me is unbearable. My faith in him faltering in the morning as the hot water in the shower washes all my pain away.

When he would come closer to me I would close my eyes and imagine him of what he used to be. The one who promised that he would take care of me and that he would never hurt me. The one who would only touch me out of love not hate. The one who would sing me to sleep, the one who stood up to my father and told him that he loves me and means everything to him. Now I just feel like a toy to a child, a toy that he’ll just get tired of, get thrown away and move on to the other. He would say that he loves me but that’s after the guilt has set it. The bruises on my hips and neck remind me of he’d become. He would shed tears for me and each time those tears touch my skin, it burned me. When he looked me in the eye, he saw nothing because with every punch he’d thrown, little bits of me turns into ashes because of the fire in his eyes. After he leaves, I would curl up in my bathroom, the echo of my sobs is ringing. The hurt I feel bounce back to me. Every time I leave my bathroom, a flush of crimson red are in my sink. A simple way to make me forget all the pain. And now I need that way because I’m tired of all this. I’ve been asking myself, what’s the reason I’m still here? What’s my purpose here? Nothing will change if I’m gone. My father would still be a drunken bastard he is, and my lover would just move on to another like he hadn’t done that before. My mother wouldn’t even notice that I’m gone, it’s just like I’m an invisible man. I remember the movie we watched ‘Hollow Man’, I feel just like him; I have a skin, I have shape but when you look me in the eye, you see nothing.

The last things I remember are the smell of the vodka I had and smashing the bottle beside me. I didn’t care if the shards hit me, it would do me good actually. As I held the biggest shard of glass I closed my eyes and whispered, “I love you,” That’s when I realized that this had been all a Love Game. And I lost.


» DECODE
[x] You can decide for yourself.
[x] You have a lot of pride in you.
[x] You are a good liar.
[ ] People can`t decode your thoughts.
[x] You have a close friend that changed his/her attitude.
[x] You are good at keeping secrets.
Total:5

» MISERY BUSINESS
[ ] You have a body like an hourglass.
[x] You hate someone because he/she likes who you like.
[ ] You smile a lot.
[x] You don`t like bragging.
[ ] You think people will never change. (Ex. Once a liar, always a liar.)
[x] You have many dreams in life.
Total:3

» CRUSHCRUSHCRUSH
[ ] You`ve seen someone check you out.
[x] You hate liars.
[x] An evening alone with the person you like is enough to make you happy.
[ ] You write songs.
[x] You keep having dreams with your crush in it.
[x] You like rock n' roll.
Total:4

» THAT`S WHAT YOU GET
[x] You hate being blamed at.
[ ] You tend to drown out your sense.
[x] You like silly things.
[ ] It`s hard for you to learn new things.
[ ] You like hurting people. (Even if it`s your way of joking around, that counts.)
[x] You like winning fights. (Verbal, physical, any type of fight.)
Total:3

» PRESSURE
[ ] You always spend your time wisely.
[x] You are scared of failure.
[ ] You get nervous easily.
[ ] If you don`t understand something, you`ll give up on it.
[x] You like being alone once in a while.
[x] You have had trouble sleeping.
Total:3

» EMERGENCY
[x] You are a good listener.
[x] You watch TV a lot.
[x] You feel guilty easily.
[ ] You cry a lot.
[ ] You know what love is.
[ ] You`ll hold on to the person you like forever.
Total: 3

DECODE. :D


My birthday is getting nearer and nearer. I just want to make this. :))

STAEDLER pens.
Fast Times in Barrington High
Almost Here
Viva la Cobra!
Santi
The Fame
NIKE DUNX
TRAINING
TRAINING. TRAINING.

I WANT TRAINING FOR MY BIRTHDAY :D


A: Have you ever been to Akron, Ohio?
Where?
B: What is your favorite Book?
Fight Club :>
C: Are you a Christian?

D: What is your favorite kind of Doughnut?
Honey glazed, ung sa Krispy Kreme
E: Do you consider yourself Elegant?
Maybe.Maybe not
F: Do you drink Frappucinos?
YEP
G: Are you a Girl or a boy?
Girl
H: Do you eat Healthful foods?
Sometimes
I: Do you like Iggy and the Stooges?
NAH.
J: Do you like Johnny Depp?
Yes.
K: Have you ever held a Kitten?
YEAH
L: Do you Love your life?
Sometimes
M: Are there any Movies you want to see?
FAST AND FURIOUS.
N: Do you like your Nose?
Nope
O: Have you ever heard of Otep?
NO.
P: Do you like Pandas?
YES.YES. VERY MUCH.
Q: Do you have any Questions for me?
None
R: Are you ever Rude?
Yes
S: What's your Sexual orientation if you feel like Sharing that?

T: Are you Taken or single?
Ehem.
U: Do you consider yourself Unusual?
Maybe.Maybe not
V: Do you oppose Violence?
No. :D
W: What do you Want out of life?
UCLA and ryan ross
X: Are you Xenophobic? (Do you hate or fear foreigners?)
no.
Y: Do you like the color Yellow?
no
Z: Can you divide by Zero?
yes. no. YES.
1: What is 1 fun thing you've done this week?
Doodle in my planner :D
2: What are your 2 favorite healthy snacks?
Brocolli (is it a snack?), fish
3: Do you have 3 or more siblings?
no.
4: Any memories from when you were 4?
i cried. :))
5: Do you like Family Force 5?
No.
6: Have you heard the song?
what?
7: Have you ever played 7 Minutes in Heaven?
HAHA. No.
8: What was the last thing you 8?
French Fries
9: Did you enjoy being 9 years old?
Yeah.
10: Multiply your age by 10. Do you weigh less than that? If so, you're not fat.
130. YES! I'M NOT FAT. =))
11: On a scale of 1 to 11 how would you rate my survey, 11 being best?
5
12: Do you think you could eat 12 doughnuts?
MAYBE
13: Do you fear the number 13?
No
14: Would you like to do carbon14 dating on an artifact?
huh?
15: Are you 15 or older?
NO. =)) I'm not even 14 yet.



It's sweet. Seriously. (but who wouldn't love Bill? :D)

this is plain slutty. =)) kidding.


Keltie's annoying me again. I thought she moved on already, i mean she's going on dates already. and now you're EMO-ing in your past again.

I kept almost nothing of you around. It made me sick to see those things. I bought a hard drive and moved every picture and video and hid them away in the bottom of a box. I took the painting you painted for me and wrapped it in tissue, you wanted me to have those painted flowers forever, and now, never again. I took the book, the cd and the shirt I ordered because I wanted to always feel like I was supporting you, even when my money didn't matter, and put them in the bottom of that box also. I left every card, every flower, every picture frame, ever ticket stub from every movie we ever saw, I left the ticket stub from our first date, I left the ticket stub from our last date hours before I left you and the time you pulled me closer and told me Billy Joel was singing "she's got a way" just for me. I left everything you ever gave me. I only took the very first love letter you ever wrote me, the one where you promised to never hurt me, where you told me how lucky you felt to be loved by me, and in it promised me the world.

I moved this week and I found that box. I was wondering how it would feel to see those things again. It felt terrible.

GET OVER IT.