This isn't mine. COPY PASTE ;)


Ryan's POV

I am sitting on the cold tiled bathroom, the smell of the vodka still faint. Scratch that, I smell like a walking bottle of vodka. But could you blame me after all the shit that happened. I looked at myself in the mirror, reminiscing each how cuts and bruises came to life. How I didn’t care about the blood that was coming out from me. The ones my lover did. Oh, he did love me. It just got complicated.

I still remember him coming up to me in the Coffee shop across the street and asking if he could sit with me and just talk. We had so much in common; it was like talking to my reflection. The smiles he gave me still reflect in my eyes. He’d sneak in my house because my dad hates company. He would sing me to sleep, his melodious voice still ringing in my ears. He would stay with me until the sun comes up and would give me a kiss for a good day. That’s the boy I loved, he would always ask me what would be my answer if he proposed to me and I would say yes, no doubt about it. He would hug me; make me feel loved and protected whenever my father has his drunken rage. I would cry in his shoulder and thank him for being there for me. He was the boy that I loved more than myself.

Then one night, he came to my room at midnight, the smell of alcohol in his breath as he kissed me. But it wasn’t his kiss, it was rough and demanding and it wasn’t him. He knows me well; he knows what I’ve been through and considers me fragile. But this night it was different. When I tried to push him away, he just came closer. And that’s the time I became more distant to the world. Just the thought of the person that I loved so much hurting me is unbearable. My faith in him faltering in the morning as the hot water in the shower washes all my pain away.

When he would come closer to me I would close my eyes and imagine him of what he used to be. The one who promised that he would take care of me and that he would never hurt me. The one who would only touch me out of love not hate. The one who would sing me to sleep, the one who stood up to my father and told him that he loves me and means everything to him. Now I just feel like a toy to a child, a toy that he’ll just get tired of, get thrown away and move on to the other. He would say that he loves me but that’s after the guilt has set it. The bruises on my hips and neck remind me of he’d become. He would shed tears for me and each time those tears touch my skin, it burned me. When he looked me in the eye, he saw nothing because with every punch he’d thrown, little bits of me turns into ashes because of the fire in his eyes. After he leaves, I would curl up in my bathroom, the echo of my sobs is ringing. The hurt I feel bounce back to me. Every time I leave my bathroom, a flush of crimson red are in my sink. A simple way to make me forget all the pain. And now I need that way because I’m tired of all this. I’ve been asking myself, what’s the reason I’m still here? What’s my purpose here? Nothing will change if I’m gone. My father would still be a drunken bastard he is, and my lover would just move on to another like he hadn’t done that before. My mother wouldn’t even notice that I’m gone, it’s just like I’m an invisible man. I remember the movie we watched ‘Hollow Man’, I feel just like him; I have a skin, I have shape but when you look me in the eye, you see nothing.

The last things I remember are the smell of the vodka I had and smashing the bottle beside me. I didn’t care if the shards hit me, it would do me good actually. As I held the biggest shard of glass I closed my eyes and whispered, “I love you,” That’s when I realized that this had been all a Love Game. And I lost.


» DECODE
[x] You can decide for yourself.
[x] You have a lot of pride in you.
[x] You are a good liar.
[ ] People can`t decode your thoughts.
[x] You have a close friend that changed his/her attitude.
[x] You are good at keeping secrets.
Total:5

» MISERY BUSINESS
[ ] You have a body like an hourglass.
[x] You hate someone because he/she likes who you like.
[ ] You smile a lot.
[x] You don`t like bragging.
[ ] You think people will never change. (Ex. Once a liar, always a liar.)
[x] You have many dreams in life.
Total:3

» CRUSHCRUSHCRUSH
[ ] You`ve seen someone check you out.
[x] You hate liars.
[x] An evening alone with the person you like is enough to make you happy.
[ ] You write songs.
[x] You keep having dreams with your crush in it.
[x] You like rock n' roll.
Total:4

» THAT`S WHAT YOU GET
[x] You hate being blamed at.
[ ] You tend to drown out your sense.
[x] You like silly things.
[ ] It`s hard for you to learn new things.
[ ] You like hurting people. (Even if it`s your way of joking around, that counts.)
[x] You like winning fights. (Verbal, physical, any type of fight.)
Total:3

» PRESSURE
[ ] You always spend your time wisely.
[x] You are scared of failure.
[ ] You get nervous easily.
[ ] If you don`t understand something, you`ll give up on it.
[x] You like being alone once in a while.
[x] You have had trouble sleeping.
Total:3

» EMERGENCY
[x] You are a good listener.
[x] You watch TV a lot.
[x] You feel guilty easily.
[ ] You cry a lot.
[ ] You know what love is.
[ ] You`ll hold on to the person you like forever.
Total: 3

DECODE. :D


My birthday is getting nearer and nearer. I just want to make this. :))

STAEDLER pens.
Fast Times in Barrington High
Almost Here
Viva la Cobra!
Santi
The Fame
NIKE DUNX
TRAINING
TRAINING. TRAINING.

I WANT TRAINING FOR MY BIRTHDAY :D


A: Have you ever been to Akron, Ohio?
Where?
B: What is your favorite Book?
Fight Club :>
C: Are you a Christian?

D: What is your favorite kind of Doughnut?
Honey glazed, ung sa Krispy Kreme
E: Do you consider yourself Elegant?
Maybe.Maybe not
F: Do you drink Frappucinos?
YEP
G: Are you a Girl or a boy?
Girl
H: Do you eat Healthful foods?
Sometimes
I: Do you like Iggy and the Stooges?
NAH.
J: Do you like Johnny Depp?
Yes.
K: Have you ever held a Kitten?
YEAH
L: Do you Love your life?
Sometimes
M: Are there any Movies you want to see?
FAST AND FURIOUS.
N: Do you like your Nose?
Nope
O: Have you ever heard of Otep?
NO.
P: Do you like Pandas?
YES.YES. VERY MUCH.
Q: Do you have any Questions for me?
None
R: Are you ever Rude?
Yes
S: What's your Sexual orientation if you feel like Sharing that?

T: Are you Taken or single?
Ehem.
U: Do you consider yourself Unusual?
Maybe.Maybe not
V: Do you oppose Violence?
No. :D
W: What do you Want out of life?
UCLA and ryan ross
X: Are you Xenophobic? (Do you hate or fear foreigners?)
no.
Y: Do you like the color Yellow?
no
Z: Can you divide by Zero?
yes. no. YES.
1: What is 1 fun thing you've done this week?
Doodle in my planner :D
2: What are your 2 favorite healthy snacks?
Brocolli (is it a snack?), fish
3: Do you have 3 or more siblings?
no.
4: Any memories from when you were 4?
i cried. :))
5: Do you like Family Force 5?
No.
6: Have you heard the song?
what?
7: Have you ever played 7 Minutes in Heaven?
HAHA. No.
8: What was the last thing you 8?
French Fries
9: Did you enjoy being 9 years old?
Yeah.
10: Multiply your age by 10. Do you weigh less than that? If so, you're not fat.
130. YES! I'M NOT FAT. =))
11: On a scale of 1 to 11 how would you rate my survey, 11 being best?
5
12: Do you think you could eat 12 doughnuts?
MAYBE
13: Do you fear the number 13?
No
14: Would you like to do carbon14 dating on an artifact?
huh?
15: Are you 15 or older?
NO. =)) I'm not even 14 yet.



It's sweet. Seriously. (but who wouldn't love Bill? :D)

this is plain slutty. =)) kidding.


Keltie's annoying me again. I thought she moved on already, i mean she's going on dates already. and now you're EMO-ing in your past again.

I kept almost nothing of you around. It made me sick to see those things. I bought a hard drive and moved every picture and video and hid them away in the bottom of a box. I took the painting you painted for me and wrapped it in tissue, you wanted me to have those painted flowers forever, and now, never again. I took the book, the cd and the shirt I ordered because I wanted to always feel like I was supporting you, even when my money didn't matter, and put them in the bottom of that box also. I left every card, every flower, every picture frame, ever ticket stub from every movie we ever saw, I left the ticket stub from our first date, I left the ticket stub from our last date hours before I left you and the time you pulled me closer and told me Billy Joel was singing "she's got a way" just for me. I left everything you ever gave me. I only took the very first love letter you ever wrote me, the one where you promised to never hurt me, where you told me how lucky you felt to be loved by me, and in it promised me the world.

I moved this week and I found that box. I was wondering how it would feel to see those things again. It felt terrible.

GET OVER IT.


I was reading this story and i liked it even though it has some inappropriate things but the storyline was good. I hate the author for killing Ryan. Damn it.

“Hello?” you ask quietly. A soft, quiet voice on the other end asks, “How much longer do you think you have left?” It’s Conor. You look up at Jon and wonder if he knows. But he’s not paying attention. William’s whispering in his ear, Ridge in his arms. You say as quietly as you can into the speaker, “I don’t know… about… not long…”

You can almost hear the teary grin on the other side as Conor mutters out, “See you again on the other side, kid.” The line goes dead. This is the end, all over again. This was nobody’s fault now but your own.

“Happy anniversary,” you say, your voice low and full of all the tender love you really feel. Jon’s mouth drops open and you watch him blink back tears as you murmur, “It’s been… a year since I met you…”

The tears spill over Jon’s eyes and your heart breaks in exactly three places when he bites back a sob. A sorrowful smile creeps its delicate way across your face as you reassure him, “It’s been a good year. I’ve never… been so happy…” Your breathing is shallow and you’re getting worse. The doctors said it was sepsis yesterday. You don’t have much time left.

Jon sniffs and kisses your hand. You know he would kiss your lips, but he doesn’t want to take the oxygen mask off for even a second. Longer with that on you means the longer he has with you.

“It was so easy loving you,” Jon says against your skin. He’s trying so hard not to lose it in front of you. Spencer’s just sitting back and watching. He’s biting down on the inside of his lip to stop the tears. You can only take Jon’s right now. And William? William has his eyes closed, biting back tears with Ridge sleeping peacefully in his arms, completely unaware that his father is leaving him.

You pull the oxygen mask down over your chin and Jon knows exactly what you want. Your fingers lace together as he leans over and presses his lips gently to yours. It’s just like the first time you kissed him, soft and gentle and so desperate to save you. But this time you’re already saved. Now you just have to sleep.

The breath you let out is shallow and you can barely replace it. You close your eyes and rest your head back on the pillow. You’re just going to sleep for a second. Then you’ll wake up and the doctors will tell you that you can go home. Only for a second. Except this time the machine stops beeping and your hand goes limp in Jon’s. Except this time, you don’t wake up.

DAMN. Ryan died. :( IT'S MADRAMA OKAY. Deal with it! He had Pneumonia and Sepsis. DRAMA b!tches.


Click
Just watch it. Read the comments, it's funny.
and listen to the girl screaming, it's kinda funny.

I wanna make it clear that i don't waste my time looking for this stuff, i just happen to run into them. and i'm not a perv or a pedo. :P



THESE GIRLS ARE AWESOME. It's a revenge picture.
this picture is taken with a T-Mobile G1 phone. Why i know, basta.


Last Week, I dreamt about Chase Crawford and Brendon Urie. I don't know why Bden was there, but I think i dreamt about Chase is because the last thing i saw before i went to sleep was Pokerface.

Last Friday night, i dreamt about driving a midnight blue 2006 Lamborghini. It was windy. THE CAR WAS AWESOME.

This is it but in a much darker shade.

Last night I had two dreams.
FIRST
Included William Beckett and Pete Wentz. I'd rather now tell what happened there but nothing icky.

SECOND
included William Beckett. I don't remember what happened. I think it's like a sequel to my first dream.

WILLIAM BECKETT IS HAUNTING MY DREAMS.


Yo give it up cause I know what you’ve got
You can ride to the top, but you can’t ride on my cock

So give it up yo come on come on
When the lights off, I’m gonna show you how Bruce LeRoy glows

I’m the last man standin yeah
And I aint never scared

Smash it up smash it up
I’m gonna kick it down
Be cool tonight
Don’t wanna start a fight

Smash it up smash it up
Tonight we kickin it down
Ahhhhh 1 2 3 go!

I’m not street but I do what I gotta do
So what? You got a crew?
I got a crew too
I’m not street but I do what I gotta do

I’ve crashed up joints in Tokyo
And I may not be loved,
but they
always recall my name

Come on everybody
My brothers and my sisters now
You know that
We don’t need no money
Tonight we’re gonna kick it down

Come on everybody
While they sleep we rule the streets
And you’re not alone
Cause when we roll we roll deep yeah
Come on everybody
Tonight there’s gonna be no beef

Oh oh oh…..


Adik much? :D I love Cobra Starship.


"Pete Wentz is the only reason we're famous" - Cobra Starship

My ears are happy. :D COBRA STARFISH ;)


1. Song Title: Right Round - Flo Rida
Do you know the words to this song? YEAH

2. Song Title: Clothes off - Gym Class Heroes
What's your favorite line from this song? "We have to take our clothes off"

3. Song Title: Paparazzi - Lady Gaga
How does this song make you feel? Stalker-ish

4. Song Title: L-O-V-E - Ashlee Simpson
What genre of music is this song? I don't care

5. Song Title: Automatic eyes - The Academy Is...
Have you seen the music video for this song? If so, do you like it? No Video. :(

6. Song Title: Please don't stop the music - Rihanna
Have you ever heard this song in the car on the radio? YEAH

7. Song Title: Summer Hair = Forever Young - the Academy Is...
How many times have you listened to this song? According to itunes, 58 times

8. Song Title: This Ain't a scene, it's an arms race - Fall out boy
Would you consider this song to be underground, overplayed, mainstream or rarely heard of? I DONT KNOW

9. Song Title: Desolation Row - My chemical romance
Was this song on a movie? YEAH. WATCHMEN

10. Song Title: Let it rock - kevin rudolf
Is this song in English? YEAH

11. Song Title: Diary of Jane
Would you have this song as a ringtone? YEAH

12. Song Title: SNAKES ON A PLANE
Would you have this song as a ringback tone? OH YEAH.

13. Song Title: Whatever you like - T.I
How did you first discover this song? MTV

14. Song Title: LAX to O'HARE - The Academy Is...
Best dance move to do to this song? NONE :))

15. Song Title: Nobody puts a baby in the corner - Fall out boy
Is this the remake of another song? nope.

16. Song Title: Circus- Britney spears
Can you play this song on any instrument? NO

17. Song Title: This Love - Maroon 5
Which line in the song describes you? I don't wanna answer this :))

18. Song Title: Tiffany Blews - Fall out boy
Which of your friends reminds you most of this song? NOBODY

19. Song Title: The church of hot addiction - cobra starship
Does this song describe a period of time in your life? YEAH. WHATEVER.

20. Song Title: Dead on Arrival - Fall out boy
Do you have a t-shirt supporting the singer/band of this song? HELL YEAH.

21. Song Title: Maneater - Nelly Furtado
Is this your best friend's favorite song? I don't think so

22. Song Title: the patron saints of liars and fakes - fall out boy
If this song played at a dance, what would you do? DANCE.

23. Song Title: crushcrushcrush - paramore
What's the best sounding instrument in this song? guitar

24. Song Title: Love lockdown (cover) - Patrick Stump
Does your favorite band sing this song? HELL YEAH.

25. Song Title: Nine in the afternoon - Panic at the disco
Is this appropriate to be played at a funeral? SIGE BA.

26. Song Title: Supermassive Black hole - Muse
Have you ever heard this song live in concert? nope.

27. Song Title: Seed - The Academy Is...
Great sex song or not? NOO. HELL NO.

28. Song Title: Heaven help us - My chemical romance
What comes to mind when you hear this song? si Helena :))

29. Song Title: Big girls don't cry - Fergie
Is this one of those songs you hate but have anyway? no.

30. Song Title: Pokerface - Lady Gaga
Does your ex like this song? NO.

31. Song Title: Live your life - T.I
Could this song be considered for a "fight scene"? Maybe

32. Song Title: Irreplacable - Beyonce
Is this song recent or old? old.

33. Song Title: Bounce - The Cab
Do your parents know this song? NOPE.

34. Song Title: Obvious - Hey Monday
Is this song a guilty pleasure/Are you ashamed to have it? YEAH. OKAY.

35. Song Title: burn - Tina arena
What soundtrack do you WISH this song could've been on? NONE.
[ Love from ServinSurveys dot multiply dot com ]


Put your music player to shuffle and use the singer or band to answer.
( If it's not a male/female and it's supposed to be, shuffle til it is. )
My best friend: FERGIE
My mom: GWEN STEFANI
My dad: PATRICK STUMP! =))
My favorite teacher: LADY GAGA
My boyfriend: PANIC AT THE DISCO. GUESS WHO. Ryan Ross
My grandmother: Jojo
My grandfather: WILLIAM BECKETT (Nooooooooooooooo)
My worst enemy: MIMS
What I name my first girl: RIHANNA
What I name my first boy: GABE. (SHIT.)
What I name my second girl: ASHLEE
What I name my second boy: BRENDON!
My cousin: EDWARD CULLEN! :>
My idol: CASSADEE POPE
[ Love from ServinSurveys dot multiply dot com ]


Put your iPod or MP3 player on shuffle
Post the first forty songs that come up.
If you have any repeats, skip to the next track.

1. One and Only
2. Low
3. Para Sayo
4. Maneater
5. The Kids Are All Fucked Up
6. Spiderpig! =))
7. Carpal Tunnel of Love
8. Pop, Lock and Drop it
9. Golden
10. I write sin not tragedies
11. Prom Queen
12. Let the Flames Begin
13. How to Save a Life
14. Awww Dip
15. Thnks fr th mmrs
16. Supermassive Black Hole
17. Homecoming
18. Checkmarks
19. We've got a big mess on our hands
20. Party People
21. Lake Effects Kid
22. Piece of Me
23. I Hate this Part
24. Yule shoot your eye out
25. 20 Dollar Nosebleed
26. Are you Ready?
27. Hero/Heroine
28. This is Halloween
29. Pon de Replay
30. LAX to O'HARE
31. Cookie Jar
32. Move if you wanna
33. Shake it
34. Scream
35. This ain't a scene, it's an arms race
36. crushcrushcrush
37. But's its better if you do
38. Because of you
39. Story of a Girl
40. Pokerface

QUESTIONS:
1. Which song do you prefer, #1 or #40? 40 - POKERFACE
2. Have you ever listened to #12 continuously on repeat? Yeah
3. What album is #26 from? I don't know
4. What do you think about the artist who did #15? Patrick's a PANDA
5. Is #19 one of your favorite songs? YES. BECKETT.
6. Who does #38 remind you of? Neyo! :))
7. Does #20 have better lyrics or music? Music.
8. Do any of your friends like #3? Maybe. it's Parokya ni Edgar.
9. Is #33 from a movie soundtrack? Nope.
10. Is #18 overplayed on the radio? Sadly no.
11. What does #21 remind you of? Fall out boy! :))
12. Which song do you prefer, #5 or #22? 5. It's Cobra Starship.
13. What album is #17 from? Hold on Tight.
14. When did you first hear #39? Somewhere. I don't remember.
15. When did you first hear #7? Infinity on High CD
16. What genre is #8? Hiphop?
17. Do any of your friends like #14? YUP.
18. What color does #4 remind you of? Brown. :))
19. Have you ever blasted #11 on your stereo? YEAH.
20. What genre is #37? Rock.
21. Can you play #13 on any instrument? Sige na.
22. What is your favorite lyric from #30? "Maybe i should blindy throw my faith to the next thing that comes my way"
23. What is your favorite lyric from #23? "I hate this part right here"
24. Would you recommend #24 to your friends? YEAH
25. Is #2 a good song to dance to? Definitely.
26. Do you ever hear #16 on the radio? I don't know
27. Is #32 more of a "nighttime" or "daytime" song? Nighttimes
28. Does #36 have any special meaning to you? Maybe.
29. Do any of your friends like #31? YES.
30. Is #25 a fast or slow song? Moderate:))
31. Is #35 a happy or sad song? EMO SONG.
32. What is one of your favorite lyrics from #9? "Pop, Lock and Drop it"
33. Is #34 better to listen to alone or with friends? Alone.
34. When did you first hear #27? CD
35. Name 3 other songs by the artist who did #29: Disturbia, Umbrella, Please Don't Stop the Music
36. Do you know all the words to #6? YES!
37. Does #28 have better lyrics or music? Both.
38. What album is #10 from? A FEVER YOU CAN'T SWEAT OUT
39. What's your favorite lyric from #26? I don't know the lyrics.
40. Type a line from the song that has your birth month number and birthdate number: NONE.
[ Love from ServinSurveys dot multiply dot com ]


My birthday is in January
I have a boyfriend
Im in high school
I have a younger sister
My eyes are brown
And I don’t like them
I am short
5’2 to be exact
Im bad at spelling
But English is my favorite subject
Im good at math
I curse a lot
I am Confused
Tired
Sad
And somewhat Lonely (Sad. Lonley. Same thing.)
I have more than one best friend
I write with my left hand
I wear glasses
Ive never had braces
I am from New York
Owls are interesting
I have an old ipod video
I love my phone
Im thirsty
I am pissed that they stopped making film for polaroids
I save a dollar a day
I cant stand not knowing whats going to happen in the future
I like to be in control of things
Im very organized
My name starts with a K
I have a nickname which is more like my real name
Very few people call me my full name
I need to get more tan
I love the beach
And the pool
I love febreze
I still just look at the pictures in magazines
I like reading
I have seen the all American rejects in concert
I love warped tour
I want to be in California
>With my lover
I am/have been in a long distance relationship
I want to be a teacher when im older
I actually have no idea what I want to do
My boyfriend is in college
There is a big age difference between us
I don’t like many people
Ive learned not to say I hate anyone
The color orange is obnoxious
I believe in God.
My favorite days of the week are Thursday & Friday
Someone close to me has committed suicide
I miss someone
I have ate cake in the past week
It is dark outside
I can look at the stars for hours
I love to laugh
My toes are painted
I have a digital frame
I like the Jerry Springer show
...And desperate housewives
I have flown in a helicopter
I have been on a train
I have a dog
Its warm where I live right now


1. Your theme song with your future husband.
Title: I don’t need a man
Comments: I do need a man. :(

2. Your celebrity look-a-like.
Artist: I don’t care if I’m a womanizer
Comments: Uhhh...

3. Your song for your crush.
Title: Mama
Comments: Mama's boy :))

4. What your family thinks of you.
Title: Control
Comments: @-)

5. What your best friend thinks of you.
Title: Pressure
Comments: :D

6. What you think of your best friend.
Title:Chicago is so two years ago
Comments: ?

7. What you want to tell your crush.
Title: Prostitution is the world’s oldest profession
Comments: Hala.

8. What you think of yourself.
Title: I kissed a boy
Comments: yeah. right.

9. What you're going to do with your future.
Title: Show me the money
Comments: Give me money.

10. Your emo song.
Title: Dirty little secret
Comments: :D

11. Your shower song.
Title: Five minutes to midnight
Comments: Yeah. okay.

12. Your funeral song.
Title: Get busy living or get busy dying
Comments: Connection much?

13. Your going to heaven song.
Title: Low
Comments: LOWLOW

14. The song that best describes you.
Title: Let it rock
Comments:

15. What you think of your parents.
Title: That’s what you get
Comments: :D

16. Your fight scene song.
Title: unexpected places
Comments: :)

17. Your honeymoon song.
Title: but it’s better if you do
Comments: ano toh sa strip club?

18. Your carcrash song.
Title: Grand theft autumn
Comments: bagay.

19. Your gym song.
Title: all the things she said
Comments: di bagay.

20. Your death scene song.
Title: This is why I’m hot
Comments: YEAH!


wow. I undeleted this blog. How great. I grew tired of the putacherry. :)